I was raised in a big Christian family and knowing Jesus was something that was important to my family. When I was in sixth grade, I listened to a speaker who told us about the issue of abortion for the first time. I remember being horrified at what I had just heard. I could not believe something like this happened all the time and I wanted to do something about it. I sought out a mentorship with a very popular pro-life activist at the time, which led to me writing about abortion and having a piece published as a 12 year old. In high school, I started writing for my speech team and presenting about abortion and fetal development.
When I went to college, I was a two sport athlete, and my life was on a great track. Shortly after starting college, I met a guy and eventually decided I was going drop out of school to move in with him. My family was not happy with my decision which created lots of tension and distance between us. About three months after I moved in with him, I found out that I was pregnant. I was scared because I really loved this man and I did not want him to leave me if I had this child, which is what he told me he would do. He wanted me to have an abortion, which was against everything I believed in.
I wrestled with this decision for a couple of weeks as I fought with him and he was not giving in. I decided that instead of having an abortion, I would take my own life instead, which seemed like the only option I had. I wrote a letter and proceeded with my plan.
I decided that instead of having an abortion, I would take my own life instead.
By the grace of God, my attempt was unsuccessful, however in my mind that meant I had to do something I did not want to do. My boyfriend drug me kicking and screaming to Planned Parenthood. I remember everything about that day. The whole experience was truly horrific and I left that clinic that day a completely different person.
That following year was very chaotic for me as I started drinking to cope with the guilt, shame, and the fear of being found out. I had two more pregnancies that year and had two more abortions. At that point, I felt like I had already done it once, I might as well do it again. These abortions began a destructive cycle in my life. I continued to drink, which led to a thirteen year addiction to alcohol.
For a few years I got my life together and started a family. I have a nine year old daughter and a six year old son now. But when my daughter was born, it brought on a new set of shame because I loved being a mom and I loved my child. The thought that I could have parented my other children killed me. I started drinking again and acted out. I was so mad at myself and I feared people would judge me and judge me as a parent. I eventually got to a place where I needed to make a change and made the decision to find a faith-based treatment center.
Through my time at the treatment center, I was reacquainted with Jesus and introduced to the Conquerors program. It was amazing experience.
Conquerors is where I found hope and healing.
Conquerors was so helpful as we discussed the things I never thought I could talk about. Talking about it brought so much insight into my life and I was able to look back at myself and grieve for that young girl who felt like she had no other option. I was able to honor my late children through the program’s honor service, and most importantly, I learned God forgives and loves me, and he was going to do something good with my story if I allowed him to.
Because of Conquerors, I was able to find healing and through that healing, telling my story, and sharing with others I am not ashamed any more. It’s not that I am happy with my past decisions, I do regret them, but I was able to give them to God and let him turn my mess into a message and that’s the most beautiful thing we can do.
It’s not that I am happy with my past decisions, I do regret them, but I was able to give them to God and let him turn my mess into a message
The Conquerors program provides support for men and women who have had at least one abortion and are struggling with the pain of that experience. The purpose of our programs is to provide a safe, non-judgmental atmosphere where one can receive support while gaining freedom from the issues their past abortions may be causing in their lives. Conquerors offers 10-week support programs multiple times each year along with individual mentoring. For more information, visit www.conquerorsafterabortion.org.
(Photography courtesy of Alison Lea Photography.)